In today’s challenging times love often takes a back seat but the untamed heart never stop craving for that unconditional love and spark. In a civil society like ours, however, it is expected to commit to a single partner and remain committed-dedicated to him/her till the end. Any deviation from this rule is defined as cheating. If its before marriage, it remains as cheating but if its after marriage, these forms of cheatings and betrayals are termed as extra marital affairs.

Extra Marital Affairs

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What drives people into extra marital affairs?

A prominent couples’ therapist said that she has not encountered a single client who cheated for sex alone. They always had extra marital affairs for novelty, to break the monotony of routine life and to feel alive again. It seemed like romance gets sidelined due to roles and responsibilities after a certain point of time and then one or both the partners start to seek happiness somewhere else in somebody else.

Why multiple extra marital affairs?

Many a times couple stray outside of their relationship or marriage for momentarily pleasure and joy. However, when the straying is not linked to an emotional longing or attachment but is only a medium of fun then there is no end to the number of changing partners and relationships.

More often than not, such people lose the emotional connect in all their relationships and the focus shifts only to the physical aspects and needs of the body. 

Since contentment and satisfaction now becomes a commodity; it follows the Diminishing Marginal Utility rule in the relationship. This leads to decreased satisfaction with the same partner and increased need for finding the next one. Its addictive and vicious too! If the person get reciprocation in every new attempt made, the attention received works as a big ego boost. 

Extra Marital Affairs

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What are the disadvantages of multiple extra marital affairs?

Extra marital affairs/cheating include one night stands as well. At a social level ofcourse it is looked down upon and mocked at, but at an emotional and psychological level the effects are far more disastrous. A detailed description about the same and how to get rid of it has been provided by Sadhguru while explaining Runanubandha.

What is disenfranchised grief?

The kind of grief for which there is no social or  legal recourse is called disenfranchised grief. In marriage, there is divorce as a recourse to a certain extent for extra marital affairs. But in a relationship which is not bound by legislative rules of the land; there is no recourse for cheating. The absence of this very rule creates disenfranchised grief.

Most of the time in disenfranchised grief there is no shoulder to cry on and very little empathy or sympathy is received because you would not have been the first or the last one to be ditched in a relationship.

In disenfranchised grief therefore, there is a sudden boiling anger as well as the wallows of self-hate and remorse in the same instant. You would feel like wanting to cause harm to the person who has hurt you and the next moment you would miss the person and remember the good old times. The mode of revenge and quantum of hatred varies depending upon the degree of betrayal.

With no legal or social recourse available, here are the few things that you can try and help your wounded heart and mind:

Extra Marital Affairs

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  1. Vent Out – Confront the person who has hurt you and let him or her know that what was done was not right. A sorry if said will be so soothing to your heart and mind. But if you are dealing with some jerk the vent out is not going to help much. Do it for only a few days and then try stopping and controlling your emotions as soon as you can. There will be a moment in this phase where your grief would not have left you, tears would have stop rolling down and anger would not surface up everyday. This is the moment to tell yourself that its ok. Shit happens!
  2. Find Peace – Realise that the person was not worth it and opt in to buy your mental peace instead. A renowned guru said, remembering painful past is like choosing to create trouble in future because the memory will carry bitterness with it all the time. So find your peace and let go as soon as you feel some emotional semblance has been reached.
  3. Turn Inwards – This is the time when you will realise that the world is full of pain and agony. If not this problem then something else and if not something else then something else will keep troubling our mind and heart. We need to decide to break the chain and put a stop to it.

How do we put a stop? How do we break the chain?

The answer lies in turning inwards. Turning inwards does not mean becoming a celibate. Turning inwards means to bring focus back on our energies, chakras and balance in our mind, body and soul. It cannot be done until one is in a very calm and neutral state of mind. Take help from friends and family to reach to this neutral state of mind and once that is attained, learn ways to help break the cycle of life and death.

Find ways to enlighten the soul and liberate it. Easier said than done but let the process begin. There’s no better peace and joy in this world as is in, in finding yourself and knowing who you truly are. Discover the purpose of this life and make it meaningful. One fine day you will realise that you and your life has elevated itself. You would feel like going and thanking the person who had tried to caused you grief because without it you would not have chosen the path to turn inwards and find yourself.

To Summarize:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;   
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
– Rudyard Kipling
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